It’s been some time since my ex and I communicated, mainly because I put a no contact period in place, oh and then there’s the small yet undeniable fact that he doesn’t want to see me again, at least, that’s what I got from his last email to me where he pretty much told me to sod off, lol.
NC has been helpful to me, in that it’s curbed my obsessive need to keep connected to him – very difficult after three years of no-holds barred sharing, and loving him. I realize I lost control of myself in the end, and the situation, and it was especially apparent in the final couple of weeks. The humiliation I put both of us through – well, it’s devastating to think back, and remember how I cried, begged, threw myself at him, and generally acted like a crazy woman! Every abandonment issue I’ve ever had rushed to the fore when I thought about losing him, and I just went nuts!
That’s not love, that’s co-dependency of the worst kind. That’s not love, it’s relationship/love addiction, and I was deeply afraid of losing my fix. That’s not love; it’s the outpouring of every damaging issue I’ve held tight beneath my outer facade of being a strong woman.
I’ve been tormented ever since our break-up, wishing I could turn back time, and handle things differently. Not to stop us breaking up, because I realize now that it would’ve been inevitable – just as he told me, we were two different people wanting different things. If I could turn back time, I would’ve respected his decision, and walked away with my dignity intact, and possibly saved our friendship. Now, I’m not sure we could even have a friendship – I feel so bruised from this all, so deeply hurt and fractured, that I doubt I could even look at him again without feeling splintered. At the end, he was so cold and resolute, so intent on getting me out of his life, that even now, it makes my stomach roil over how much he must despise me.
I am hoping he remembers over the three years we were together, that I wasn’t this mad, desperate woman I became at the end. I hope he would remember I have a great sense of humor, compassion, gentleness, and that there is poetry in my soul. I hope he would remember I valued and respected him, as a person, and a human being, and as the smartest man I ever knew. I hope he remembers I am thankful for all that I experienced with him.
The city I live in is a small city. Undoubtedly, I will see him again. Perhaps we will have this conversation one day, about forgiveness.
But even more important than seeking forgiveness from him, is according forgiveness to myself. I really am the type to obsess and self-punish whenever I, or sometimes others, made a mistake. I realize I’ve been doing this since childhood. Whenever my parents abandoned me, whenever my father beat me, whenever someone I loved turned their back on me – I would take on all the blame, and flagellate myself until there was nothing left of myself but bloody strips. To move on in my life, I must forgive myself for the wrong I did to not only him, but myself. I lost myself completely, and it’s only since this enforced no contact that I realize just how much I lost myself in him, our relationship, my expectations, his expectations, and this daydream I was constantly in, thinking I’d found the ultimate love and happiness.
The truth is, happiness is inside me, and if someone comes along to enhance my life with what he/she has, all the better! But it’s completely wrong to look to another to spur happiness in our lives.
I’ve stopped crying 24/7. I’ve stopped waking myself up with the sound of my own crying. I’ve stopped being a zombie, capable only of turning over in my bed to cry on the other pillow. I’ve stopped hating myself for him leaving.
I have not returned to work yet. I couldn’t function and so I took a lot of sick leave off. Thankfully, work has been very supportive.
I take my meds every day like a good mental patient, lol.
I huddle in my apartment, and I feel like a total useless loser because Bear does everything, cooks and cleans and shops and props me up and showers me with love and affection.
I avoid looking at my phone.
I spend a lot of time on two sites: exaholics.com and baggagereclaim.co.uk Both have been instrumental for me understanding what happened in my relationship, and what I need to do to recover, and how my childhood issues bled over into my relationships.
The other thing I’ve been ruminating on is forgiving my parents. My mother, long cold in her grave, and my pedophile father. It’s not so much for their sakes – my father is still alive, and there’s been not one word of apology from him, but more for my benefit. I really want to let this go once I finish therapy, and all the painful processing. I’ve held on to every damaging memory, and every hurtful thing ever said to me by my family. I’ve received, and believed, every derogatory comment, just as if it was the truth. But no, I had no control over these people, nor was I responsible for their issues, or their pain. I was just a child – they failed me, and in the end I failed myself by allowing their sickness to define my life, and my later relationships.
Like I say, it’s something I am contemplating. My first priority is to myself, reconnecting with myself, forgiving myself, and loving myself.