I’ve not posted for some time because I’ve been attempting to heal from the great shock of losing people I loved greatly: my lover, and my twin brother. They haven’t died, they have rejected me. I’ve posted about it ad nauseum on my blog so I won’t go into any more detail except to say that it has taken much strength to come back from these massive life blows. I am no stranger to heartache and abandonment in my life, unfortunately. I spiralled into a deep depression which is just beginning to lift. I’ve never felt so weak and vulnerable before, no matter the challenges I’ve faced, but this depression has been the worst ever. I’ve had no energy to blog, or play my guitar, or sing, or be around people. I’ve just simply existed.
I have functioned enough, barely, to go to work, but that’s it. I’ve begged off social engagements, and even my involvement in music has been scaled back. I lost confidence in myself. My Bear has watched me become sadder with each passing day. At times, I’ve been scared, and I’ve not been sure that I would wake to see another morning. This sounds melodramatic, perhaps, but it has been my reality. I hide much of what I feel from the world, but my Bear knows all. Thank god I have him! He has saved my life! He is my rock, and always has been!
I knew I had to deal with the depression and work through it, because soon my harvest is arriving. I need to be strong for what’s coming. The police have been investigating mine and my sister’s case for the past year. They have confirmed most of what we shared during our interviews. Our case has been passed to no less than three teams during the past year. At times, I didn’t even know who was in charge, or even if anything was happening. Finally, a few months ago, I met the officer in charge of my case. She is a bright and motivated young woman in her thirties. I’ve been very impressed with her because she’s been like a dog with a bone, chasing up every lead and interviewing people from my past that I have not seen nor heard from since I was a child, living in a series of childrens’ homes and the orphanage, and with various families. She has been amazing, keeping us informed of the progress.
In two weeks, the police will be arresting my father. I can’t write more than that right now, I feel so emotional and exhausted. This is the culmination of a lifetime of sorrow and pain. This man caused so much destruction in my family, to me and mine. I can hardly believe justice is nigh.
I will write more, later. I hope everyone is well.